Much belated update..

7 06 2013

It’s really painful to check in here on my blog reader and see how many infertiles are pregnant or have a newborn (or two).  Painful and annoying.  Just like coming in to work and having everyone be pregnant or returning from maternity leave.  OK fine not EVERYone but at least 3 women out of an office of 40.  Where is some of that water so I can have some?

I met with Dr Braverman in NY in mid-May.  The short version is, I don’t know very much about whatever is wrong with me, and Dr. B has some ideas but needs to do more research and reading.  We don’t have a plan in mind for next steps– although I did get two more pricey tests run by Reprosource– and right now we’re just kind of in limbo, waiting on results.  The problem is I have only two blasts left.  If I had ten, we could kind of tinker with things… but at best I have two transfers left.  So frankly, I’ve kind of checked out.  I’m pissed at the whole deal.

I mean, seriously, WHAT THE FUCK.  I may not have done everything right in my life, I may have made stupid choices and made stupid mistakes, but I have not been a BAD person.  And in all other arenas, there wasn’t ANYTHING I couldn’t accomplish, given enough hard work and determination on my part.  So really– life– why?   I did my best, I found the best doctor, and… what the fuck.

I guess you could say I’m already starting the process of wrapping my brain around childlessness.  (The transition from childish to childless is much quicker than you might imagine.)

I’ll let you know when I get the next results and what Dr B says.

 

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7 responses

7 06 2013
hopefulandhungry

I’m thinking of you. I think your disappointment and frustration are completely valid and you are NOT a bad person. I hope Dr. B comes up with something to help you understand your situation. Not having answers is the worst! Keep us posted. xoxox

7 06 2013
moni

Georgette, I’m so sorry you are going through this crap. IT’S NOT FAIR!!! The 3rd week of May I found out that our 4 “great quality” embryos all tested abnormal. ALL of them. All incompatible with life. The news hit me line a ton of bricks and like you, I started planning our life without children (I am 39 now, almost 6 yrs TTC). So I can totally understand what you are going through and the anger and disappointment and anger at God for letting sh!t like this happen to good, stable people who want and deserve what everyone else can get so easily. Is this some kind of punishment? Why??? Why does it have to be so f-ing difficult? I don’t know, but in our case we decided to keep going, and will start more retrievals in the fall *sigh*. It never ends. Anyway, I wanted to let you know you are not alone in this and we are rooting for you. But I totally get it. It is so old. I hope and pray you get what you deserve.

9 06 2013
Emily (eatloveprocreate.blogspot.com)

Sorry you are in such a crappy holding pattern right now. It is so hard to know you’ve done everything right, and in all other areas of life this would pay off. Yet, in the craptastic world of infertility it doesn’t. There is no rhyme or reason sometimes, even with the best doctor and following all the rules. I am just so sorry you didn’t get what you signed up for. I hope that the recent tests might reveal a piece of helpful info. though and that you formulate a plan you are comfortable with to move forward. I think those periods of just waiting are the hardest times ever!

18 06 2013
ttb2

Yup. That’s all I can say is yup. I feel the same. And the fact that a POS like Kim Kardashian can have a baby and I can’t? Bullsh!t.

19 06 2013
our last embryo

I feel your anxiety and pain!

21 06 2013
hbaf

I’m terribly sorry for your frustration. I just saw Dr KK and got my laundry list of issues a couple of weeks ago. I’m like 3 years too late getting all this done as it turns out my 3 OE IVFs and 2 DE IVFs were completely futile without treatment for my issues. I had 3 pregnancies and 3 miscarriages. I have 6 frosties but my clinic only has a 20-40% chance of success per attempt. Odds are not ok but very possible I may not get pregnant at all to know if the new treatments will work. We are finally feeling empowered that we know what’s wrong and how to treat it but also feel defeated that all of these test results may have come too late.

5 07 2013
Lisa

I’m sorry. I used to be on FF and followed you there (lilgray) because we were in many of the same forums. I left FF this last January because I gave up trying – I seriously have a super strong sense of self preservation and TTC was making me crack, so I just decided to quit. And I’m drinking all of the red wine I want, and learned to play bass guitar just like I’ve always wanted to and joined a band and am basically trying to embrace the fact that I will have more freedom. But there is still a part of me that is wistful at times, of course.

I was thinking about you the other day and wondered what you were up to! So I’m sad to see there hasn’t been a success yet. Hugs.

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