Trying to be the new me.

20 09 2012

I’ve been doing so much soul-searching lately as hubs and I have traveled this lonely road… I am being drawn closer to God, and I’m urging myself to pull myself closer.  I am really trying to do the right things, feel the right ways, be patient, trust God, align my will with His.  And yet I find that with this first hiccup (HAHAHA, I mean first hiccup with this IVF cycle) I’m back to sadness and worry and panicky-mode almost.  Pretty pathetic.  I mean, if I’m really following God’s will and truly wanting “thy will be done,” this stuff (finding out no embryo transfer next month and that my inflammation is even higher) should be no biggie.

And yet, it sometimes seems like it’s leaning towards “biggie.”  I’m very good at catching myself when I lean so I haven’t crossed over yet (which I’m sure a therapist or two would frown at.)  It’s just that when I need to cry, I’ll give it a good cry, and if I can stave that off a little ways, I’d rather.  Because I can get so much more done at work (researching IVIg and Humira, ahem, I mean working) when I’m focused and purposeful.

I have been saying the Rosary every morning during my walks, and now I’m attending Mass every morning too.  I find its meditative space is ideal for the kind of work I need to do, spiritually and mentally.  One of the things I am paying attention to, as I listen to the readings and prayers, is how often the ones we are told are sinless are still very human. 

  • Jesus actually asks God to change plans midcourse, if possible– though he follows up with “unless that’s what we have to do and then, okay, I’m with you.”  (Sorry if my informality annoys.. sometimes, God and his minions speak like modern people when I am doing the thinking.) 
  • Mary, conceived immaculately (meaning without original sin), was “full of grace” and sinless in Catholic doctrine– and still when the angel comes to talk with her, she says something loosely translated as “What are you talking about? I’m a virgin, you nut.” 
  • Later at the wedding in Cana, she asks Jesus to make more wine, and when he tells her it’s not yet time to reveal himself, she doesn’t backtrack or change her request– I’m sure she just looked at him with those big brown eyes and he went right to work making miracles. 

So I know from just those examples that it’s totally okay to question God, to ask why, to need explanations, and to even request favors and surcease from pain.  As long as you always finish up with something like “But yeah, that’s just my thought on the matter… whatever you want is good.”  So I am always saying that, and always trying to mean it.  Sometimes more than others.

This morning I found a way to think of the news from yesterday that was almost like hindsight… I told myself that if I hadn’t been forging this closer connection with God and Mother Mary and all the patron saints I’m pestering, I might not have been cycling with Dr. Braverman, or been so willing to just go along with his suggestion.  And then I might have dropped the only blasts I’d ever make (or whatever) into a redhot furnace of a uterus just snapping its cytokines in hungry anticipation.  Instead, I’m blessed with modern medical technology and wise doctors all around, so hopefully this is just a hiccup, another delay, on the road to … a big round belly, fat(ter) ankles, raccoon mask, and nausea. 


A good prayer, one of many that I begin and end my day with.

“O my God, I thank you for this cross you have allowed me to carry.  Please give me the strength and faith to persevere so that I may bring glory to your name while withstanding the burden of its weight.  Thank you for offering me a share in your suffering.  I know that you have always been, are now, and ever will be, at my side every step of the way.  Thank you also for every “Simon” that you have sent to help me bear this cross.  I have prayed so often that this thorn in my flesh would be removed, but I trust that your grace is sufficient.  Change my heart’s troubled cry of “How long, O Lord?” to “However long, O Lord.”  May I seek only to do your will and to unite my sufferings with your passion.  Help me to not get lost in my own self-concerns, but may I find in these trials a way to greater virtue, a call to prayer and a path to trust in you alone.  Permit me not to waste my pain, but to make of these struggles a sacrificial offering for others.  Lord, when I am weary and I fall, exhausted under the weight of this cross, please give me the courage to press on as you did.  Lord Jesus, I embrace with love my cross, as a share in your own.  By your grace, may I carry it all the way to the vision of your glory.  I abandon myself totally to your will.  Jesus, I trust in you.  Amen.”

(by Pedro de la Cruz)



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