Fifty million things at once.

11 09 2012

I’m juggling a lot this month.  I can’t go into much detail here, but I am a lawyer working for the State on cases of life-or-death importance to the individuals involved.  I have a major, unavoidable, undelayable deadline (9/20) the day before my husband and I leave for New York (9/21), just five days before our estimated egg retrieval date (9/25).  I wish I could take some time off ahead of time– just to putter around the house, do laundry, make sure I have packed the smallest possible amount of clothing & shoes with the largest possible number of possible outfits (two weeks, in New York City, on carry-on only, AND I have to bring lots of meds with me too.  Women will understand this challenge!)  But there’s no possibility of taking the time off, as I’ll already be taking off the two weeks for this IVF cycle.

I’m also trying very hard to be positive– my aunt (who just turned 80) encouraged me to look at cute baby pictures every day, and to own God’s promises of blessings, and to trust that I’ll be a mother.  “Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”  (Mark 11:24)  So I’ve been doing that.  I googled “cute baby pictures” and browsed.  My husband is Filipino, and I’m a redhead, and I thought it was a little odd that I didn’t feel much of a connection to the random Asian baby pictures I looked at.  Not that I wouldn’t be delighted to have one (and I know his Filipino genes will beat out my redhead ones.)  But show me a little ginger baby and I was a-goo-goo.

Like this shot by Maria Edmann, found here.   I could really eat this little girl up.

I even spent a little time looking at articles about maternity wardrobes.  I’m trying to be positive here! 🙂

I’m my mom and dad’s only child (though he had a daughter with his first wife who is about 25 years older than me).  My mom and dad married late(r) in life– she was 36 I think? and so he would have been 47? and she was never in a hurry to have a baby.  My aunt tells me that she urged my mom to have a child– because children are your link to the future.  I was conceived when my mom was 41.  I don’t blame my mom at all, but this fact definitely shaped my view of “the biological clock” because I always thought I could do it if she could.  Now, I laugh, as only a trying-not-to-be-bitter-40-year-young-woman can and does.

My parents divorced when I was 6, and I had a very close and positive relationship with both of them.  Mom died of lung cancer when I was 17; dad died of lung cancer also, when I was 25.  So I feel like having a baby isn’t just about me, and my husband– it’s also the only way I can give my parents some form of immortality.

So, that’s my little musing of the day.  I’m going to start listening to the Circle+Bloom meditations while I walk in the mornings.  And tonight is estrogen-in-oil IM shot #2.  Thursday, I begin stims… and the drumbeat in the back of my mind continues.  “Dear God, please give us a baby, thy will be done.”  I am trying so hard to submit and surrender.

And because I don’t want to end on too sober of a note:  I can’t encourage you enough to go read my favoritest blog post ever, ever.  “The God of Cake” by Hyperbole and a Half.  OMG so funny. 🙂



2 responses

11 09 2012

My Mom didn’t have me until she was 39, my parents were married for 15 years and were about to adopt when she finally conceived. I know you’ll be in NYC for your fertility stuff, but I hope you can get out. I love NYC!!! I did a posting on the city in June. Great cupcake places, although you might not be indulging. Best of luck to you and keep saying those prayers!

12 09 2012

Oh, I’ll definitely get out and about. My husband has family up there– two aunts, and a handful of cousins– so we love toodling around the city, with them or by ourselves. I’m sadly doing the gluten-free thing (bummer!) but I hear there’s a great risotto place in West Village that I’m looking forward to trying!

Thanks girl 🙂

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